Arranged Marriages

Phone call, last Tuesday.  It's my husband, "[Here is the part of the conversation you don't give a damn about].  Oh, and by the way," he says in a suspiciously casual tone, "I got a call from X, and he said he might be getting married on Saturday, so you should probably reschedule dinner with [our friends who most likely wish to remain anonymous]."  

"Might be getting married?"  

It turns out that Mr. X has been e-mailing a young lady in Dubai for the past few months, she had accompanied her parents to Florida this past week, and this young lady and Mr. X went out for coffee.  Before the frozen frappuccinos they ordered at Barnes and Noble could get all slushy, they were engaged to be married for the day after tomorrow.  

Welcome to the world of arranged marriages, kindly leave your notions regarding prolonged courtship at the door.

Truth be told, I'm no stranger to arranged marriages, at least if one counts my experience as one of association.  My parents' marriage was arranged, as was my sister's (sort of), many of my aunts and uncles, cousins, and, of course, friends.  So, the fact that Mr. X's nuptials were of the arranged persuasion was not what floored me.  I was more surprised by the speed.  Coffee on Tuesday, wedding on Saturday.

Interestingly, this express train to marital bliss is actually not entirely unusual in the world of arranged marriages.  I suppose having grown up in the West, I'm supposed to take the position that this sort of arrangement is archaic and perhaps a little oppressive, but I don't.

I've thought long and hard about the issue of arranged marriages, and, in all truth, it's fine by me.  (Yes, dear friends, you may go forth now in the world and happily engage in arranged marriages now that you have the coveted "Faiqa's seal of approval"!).  

The courtship phase between my husband and I lasted almost four years.  Nothing that I learned in those four years prepared me for the arguments, letdowns or blind rages that are intrinsic in any marriage.  In fact, I would go so far as to argue that the longer the courtship, the more pronounced the lie becomes that you actually know the person you are going to marry. Our prolonged courtship did, of course, afford us the advantage of being friends long before we were husband and wife.  And, I suppose, that the adamant pursuit to preserve that friendship certainly preserved our marriage on some certainly rough occasions.  

But back to arranged marriages and my pithy defense of them.  Some people argue that marriage is just a piece of paper.  I don't agree that it is just that.  Marriage is a contract, a legally binding one at that. When two people enter into this legal contract, they are, consciously or not, authenticating the superculture which has, in fact, imposed this contract upon them.  They are accepting that being someone's wife or someone's husband is defined by entities outside of the two of them.  This overtly extends to financial obligations, but insidiously refers to other BS such as who is supposed to do the dishes and who takes out the trash.  (Everyone knows husbands are supposed to take out the trash.)  

The problematic nature of a marriage that is not arranged, then, rears itself when legally married people exhibit an unwillingness to adhere to their superculture's definition of marriage.  (Why does my Mac keep underlining superculture as a typo?  Did I just make up that word?).  

Those of us who do not have arranged marriages often want to redefine what it means to be a husband or a wife.  Everything is negotiable: is it, in fact, until death do us part, and in sickness and in health?  Do I have to call your parents mom and dad?  What do you mean you're not changing your last name?  I'm not implying that this renegotiation should not be done, all I am saying is that it is potentially problematic.  (Personally, Faiqa Khan is all for renegotiation).

In the most perfect sense, an arranged marriage, in which both parties are willing participants, fully acknowledges the cultural parameters of marital definitions.  Everybody knows their part in this play, and there is likely to be little improvisation.  

Some people actually like that.  Some people like to know exactly where they stand, what is expected of them and that they can hold others accountable to a prescribed set of obligations and behaviors.  Furthermore, while those of us who did not have arranged marriages have the friendship created before our marriage to save us from our incessant bickering, individuals who have opted for arranged marriage have entire families devoted to the preservation of their marriage.  Why should we raise our unarranged marriage eyebrows at that?

As a disclaimer, I have to mention that I am firmly opposed to the arranged marriage of children and unwilling participants.  But then again, I am firmly opposed to the unarranged marriages of the same parties.  

And another thing... a lot of people like to catch hold of the idea that arranged marriages bear particularly oppressive upon the women involved in those marriages.  I'd like to counter that, barring a "forced" marriage, which is an entirely different entity than an arranged marriage, I don't think arranged marriages are any more oppressive than plain old marriages.  I'm sure that any married woman who gets her legs waxed would be inclined to agree with me.